"We are pushed by pain until we are pulled by vision."

The quote in the title of this post, "We are pushed by pain until we are pulled by vision" is attributed to Michael Beckwith, someone I am not familiar with beyond giving him credit for a succinct and insightful statement. I heard it some time this last week via a podcast or from a friend, I do not remember. But, the quote stuck with me. 

What most often brings people into therapy is their pain, typically pulling them by their hair kicking and screaming! Our suffering becomes so intolerable that we cannot live the same way any longer, and perhaps as an act of desperation, reach out for a lifeline. Of course many people experience horrific tragedy or loss that results in a overwhelming pain. But, for many others, the pain begins as an uncomfortable, disagreeable, or inconvenient thought or feeling, that needles us over and over again, and no matter how much we try to distract or numb ourselves to it, it simply won't go away. What starts as a small whisper of discontent, if ignored, can grow into a monstrous roar that overpowers all functional thought and feeling. 

The work I do with clients often includes teaching them how to be receptive and responsive to those undesirable thoughts or feelings that we habitually ignore. Instead of criticizing and avoiding the parts of ourselves that are uncomfortable and disagreeable, imagine what it would be like to engage with them? What could we learn if we understood how they may be shaping our beliefs and behaviors? What role, when brought to light, can they play in guiding us toward an authentic self? I believe they are here to help us become more fully formed human beings that can live and love more deeply.  But, we have to learn how to stop and listen, before we can envision something different pulling us toward wholeness. 

Teaching people how to be curious about the scary parts of ourselves is a large part of helping them create that vision. They are a part of the self-correcting system of the soul that ultimately  refuses to be ignored. The pain they create is intended to get us to pay attention and listen to our deepest desires.  

Speaking of boundaries...

Speaking of boundaries...

In my last post I wrote about boundaries in parenting. As I reflected more, I realized how important boundaries are in every relationship and wanted to share another piece of writing that I turn to for inspiration.  This one is a poem by Marge Piercy titled To have without holding.  She is one of my favorite poets, mostly because her poetry has such depth and honesty with regard to relationships. 

This poem was especially poignant for me after the painful and disappointing end of a long relationship, when I was learning to love someone differently. This poem expressed my struggle to let go, but also reminded me that learning to love with my hands wide open is always worth the struggle. 

To have without holding                  

Learning to love differently is hard,

love with the hands wide open, love

with the doors banging on their hinges,

the cupboard unlocked, the wind

roaring and whimpering in the rooms

rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds

that thwack like rubber bands

in an open palm.

It hurts to love wide open

stretching the muscles that feel

as if they are made of wet plaster,

then of blunt knives, then

of sharp knives.

It hurts to thwart the reflexes

of grab, of clutch ; to love and let

go again and again. It pesters to remember

the lover who is not in the bed,

to hold back what is owed to the work

that gutters like a candle in a cave

without air, to love consciously,

conscientiously, concretely, constructively.

I can’t do it, you say it’s killing

me, but you thrive, you glow

on the street like a neon raspberry,

You float and sail, a helium balloon

bright bachelor’s button blue and bobbing

on the cold and hot winds of our breath,

as we make and unmake in passionate

diastole and systole the rhythm

of our unbound bonding, to have

and not to hold, to love

with minimized malice, hunger

and anger moment by moment balanced.

Marge Piercy, "To have without holding" from The Moon is Always Female. Copyright © 1980 by Marge Piercy. 

Your children are not your children...

I recently shared this passage written by Kahlil Gibran (from The Prophet) with a parent who was struggling to have healthy boundaries with their children.  I think it's a beautiful description of what a  boundaried relationship with our children can look like.  

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

                              Daughters

                          New Years Day 2012

Being a parent has been the hardest thing I've ever done!  Had I known how hard it was going to be ahead of time... I'm not sure I would have done it! When my kids were young, I thought it was my job to do everything I could to keep them from suffering.  Why should they have to learn the hard way like I did? I was supposed to make life easier for them, right? We all hope to give our children a better, happier and healthier life don't we?  

It took me many years to learn that loving them well didn't mean sparing them from making mistakes, getting hurt, and experiencing suffering. Loving our children well really means being able to show up, be fully present with them in their pain, and holding them through their suffering so that they can develop their own identity, resilience, and purpose. 

I love working with parents to help them find their version of  being a "bow that is stable" for their children - while helping them maintain their own sanity!  Successful parenting isn't always intuitive - in fact, it is often counter-intuitive.  This piece is a lovely reminder to me to not make my children's successes or struggles all about me, and to give them the space and freedom to reach their own potential in their own way. 

Getting the Most Out of Therapy

Making the choice to start therapy means that you are ready for change.  No doubt, you have put a lot into this decision and want to get the most out of your experience.  I have listed some common ideas to consider when embarking on this very personal journey that will help you have a successful experience. 

• Choose the right therapist for you.  Choosing the right psychotherapist for you is probably the single most important factor in having a successful experience.  You will want to work with someone you feel positively about and that you feel comfortable with.  I encourage you to set up a phone or face-to-face consultation with several therapists before you make a commitment to working with any of them.
• Be willing to commit.  To yourself.   If you feel that you have found the right therapist, be sure that you are in a place to commit to the process without rushing through it.  It can take several sessions with your therapist before you develop an understanding of your goals and can begin to collaborate on strategies for change.
• Be honest. To get the most out of therapy you have to build trust with your therapist - which really takes being honest.  When you are honest you will get to know yourself on the deepest level, which may include things you don’t want to know but need to know. Real change cannot happen if you are not being completely open and honest with your therapist.
• Have courage. Progress in therapy means taking risks. Don't worry, your therapist won't ask you to do more than they know you can!  Part of the process of change is exploring new possibilities and trying new things.  You will experiment with new ways of seeing and being in the world, and then decide what works best for you.  Be an adventurous explorer!
• Take a good hard look at yourself. The key to living an authentic and fulfilling life is self-awareness.  You have to be willing to be introspective about your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and examine how well they are working for you.  We can't change something if we can't see what needs change.
• Be open. Part of the therapeutic collaboration includes suggestions and opinions from your therapist.  Have an open mind when your therapist shares these with you.  Having an open mind means sincerely considering what they say.  Listening and considering are not the same thing as agreeing.  Your therapist may make an observation or suggestion that you don't agree with.  That's okay - it's a normal part of the process.  But, sometimes they will "hit the nail on the head" so-to-speak, and you will have something valuable to work with.
• Embody and express your true experience. It's appropriate and cathartic for you to be free in expressing your thoughts and feelings with your therapist.  You may have diverse feelings throughout the experience of therapy including delight, frustration, anger, appreciation, joy, sorrow, and more.  You can share whatever experience you are having with your therapist - they can handle it!  Psychotherapy is meant to be a liberating experience in which you can be, feel, and express your authentic experience.