Lost - a call to be present

Today I heard the following poem by David Wagoner. I thought is was such a beautiful call to be fully present. Because when we are truly present, we are never really lost.

Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

"I am." is a complete sentence

I wanted to share this poem I heard on the Poetry Unbound Podcast. The poem is whimsical and poignant at the same time, reminding me that so much of what we actually learn in formal education isn’t very helpful to figuring out the world and our place in it. The poem seems to be saying this is what it’s like to be human. And, that what is sometimes important is to find meaning in the most mundane things, and that “I am” is enough.

What You Missed That Day You Were Absent from Fourth Grade

 Mrs. Nelson explained how to stand still and listen
to the wind, how to find meaning in pumping gas,

how peeling potatoes can be a form of prayer. She took
questions on how not to feel lost in the dark

After lunch she distributed worksheets
that covered ways to remember your grandfather’s

voice. Then the class discussed falling asleep
without feeling you had forgotten to do something else—

something important—and how to believe
the house you wake in is your home. This prompted

Mrs. Nelson to draw a chalkboard diagram detailing
how to chant the Psalms during cigarette breaks,

and how not to squirm for sound when your own thoughts
are all you hear; also, that you have enough.

The English lesson was that I am
is a complete sentence.

And just before the afternoon bell, she made the math equation
look easy. The one that proves that hundreds of questions,

and feeling cold, and all those nights spent looking
for whatever it was you lost, and one person

add up to something.

Brad Aaron

Redefining "Self-Esteem"

I have a problem with the concept of "self-esteem". I find myself totally frustrated by it!  I know this may seem extreme, but after working in higher education, volunteering in k-12 schools, raising two children, and being a therapist for over two decades I have some experience with people's ideas on self-esteem.  

After reviewing several definitions of self-esteem, I can confidently say that most of us believe that self-esteem is the representation we each have of our own sense of self-worth. When I ask clients to tell me how they measure their self worth (a.k.a. self-esteem) they inevitably come up with some version of the following list:

          Career advancement

Income

          Education

          Home ownership (and other material items)

          Relationship Status (coupled verses single)

          Relationship Happiness (happy partnerships, happy children, etc.)

          Attractiveness (weight, size, and beauty by cultural standards)

I have a problem with this. These are all measurements that are almost completely based on social constructs grounded in consumerism and often unhealthy societal norms.  Additionally, they are subject to change based on the ebb and flow of natural and cultural trends, and a variety of things outside of any of our control.  

I really want to start a revolution with regard to the construct of “self-esteem” - want to join me?! Imagine what it would be like if we based our self-esteem on the level of congruence between who/how we want to be in the world with who/how we actually are in the world? If I value honesty, then how honestly am I living? If I believe that family comes first, am I living in a manner that actually puts my family first? If yes, great! If not, then I need to review this value and either determine if it is really as important as I thought it was (or once was) or if I need to reconsider its status in my inventory of personal values and virtues. Are these values yours, or something left over from childhood and/or old family expectations that have never been examined or challenged?

I want to be mindful of the reality that even with this measurement of self-esteem we will all experience periods of poor self-esteem - this is in no way an exercise meant to lead to high self-esteem at all times. We aren’t meant to feel good all the time. Experiences of low self-esteem are indicators that we need to grow in some area of our lives - one of the ways our soul lets us know that we are ready for change and moving toward our next developmental leap. Feelings of inadequacy, restlessness, and self-doubt are all potential communications from the Self urging us forward on our personal journey.

Next time you are feeling insecure or have the experience of “low self-esteem” instead of being critical of yourself, or distracting yourself with a quick (often dysfunctional) feel good or fix, do this instead:

Pay Attention - do not brush the experience away, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Make the time to explore it in its entirety.

Be Compassionate - stop any and all criticism/guilt/shame and assume the best of the experience you are having. It is an opportunity to learn and grow, treat it as such!

 Be Curious - explore the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs around the experiences. Where do they come from? Are they anchored in painful experiences from the past? How might they have served you at one time, but are no longer serving you now? Ask the part of you that is insecure, or feeling inferior what it wants to tell you and what it needs from you.

 Look for ways you may be living incongruently - do you need to shift an expectation? Do you need review your values and make adjustments? Is it time to change behaviors that are holding you back?

Ask for Help - There are many things we can do for ourselves, but sometimes we need the help of a trusted friend or professional. We might need accountability or support or expertise. Give yourself permission to ask for help.

Tiny but frightening requests...

I love this David Whyte poem (one of many I love) in which he mentions the "tiny but frightening requests" we hear when we take the time to listen. I believe that the soul often calls out to us with tiny requests that really are sometimes frightening. They may be asking us to consider the life we are currently leading - question the way we are living each day, what we are neglecting, who we are loving, how we are loving... all things that can be pretty scary to question. It takes courage to seek out and make space for this deeper kind of listening.  This is where we find the road that leads everywhere.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes
if you move carefully
through the forest,

breathing
like the ones
in the old stories,

who could cross
a shimmering bed of leaves
without a sound,

you come to a place
whose only task

is to trouble you
with tiny
but frightening requests,

conceived out of nowhere
but in this place
beginning to lead everywhere.

Requests to stop what
you are doing right now,
and

to stop what you
are becoming
while you do it,

questions
that can make
or unmake
a life,

questions
that have patiently
waited for you,

questions
that have no right
to go away.

9-14-18 addendum

I came across this quote posted on IG by a friend that I think is a great addition to the post above. Not knowing is frightening - unless we can assure ourselves it is an essential part of the journey toward knowing.

““It may be that when we no longer know what to do we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go that we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is one that sings.”
- Wendell Berry
”

Motivated by guilt or by love?

Recently I was talking with someone about the heavy sense of burden they feel to take care of others. Like many of us, this person was overwhelmed by the many things they "had" to do, and the many demands of people they "had" to care for, to please, or to prioritize above their own needs.  Our sense of duty and obligation as members of a family and/or a community can be extremely strong, and are a part of being human.

When I ask people what motivates acts of duty or obligation, many times their answer is "guilt."  Inevitably, when guilt is the main motivator for duty, we feel resistant and resentful - and in the end this separates us from the person or community we care for. 

I like to encourage people to examine their motivation before taking a dutiful or obligatory action.  If we are being motivated by guilt, then I believe we ought to take the time to consider why we feel guilty. Are we being manipulated to care for someone else?  Are we feeling that we are not good enough unless we are constantly caring for and taking responsibility for others? Are we being pressured to do things we don't want to do at the expense of our own needs?  If our answer to any of those questions is "yes", then reconsider taking that action. 

By no means am I saying we should never have to do something we don't really want to do, or take action out of obligation or duty.  A meaningful life with intimate and loving relationships is going to include many actions of obligation.  What I am aiming for is to encourage people to base their sense of duty within a place of love. When we are dutiful within the framework of love I don't believe we have the same sense of burden. We may be tired, or even exhausted by taking care of our own needs and then the needs of others.  But, when we are motivated by love, we don't carry a sense of resentment or bitterness.  There is instead, a sense of freedom, fulfillment, and maybe even joy.